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That light fixture sure is gleaming, sir.

it was older and uglier than this one.

Sometimes I deliver to people that are very noticeably high on drugs. This dude was scrubbing this light fixture the whole time and pacing around. He kept telling me “I’m gonna get this sparkling clean… it’s gonna look so great.”

He was so bipolar.  He would turn around and start screaming at his woman or kid all sorts of expletives and then turn around and say something really nice to me.

Oh, right!  I am supposed to pretend that you didn’t just tear your wife/gf a new one.  Okay.  Wow, you are  nice dude.  That light fixture is certainly looking great.  I bet your family is so proud.

Enjoy your pizza, douchebag.

Your “Thank You’s” are falling on deaf ears.

Are you familiar with the saying  “Actions speak louder than words.” ?  or, “Your actions are speaking so loud that I can’t hear a word you are saying.”

This is how I feel when  people DON’T tip me, but then profusely thank me.  I’m sorry. What??  I didn’t hear any of that.  My ears are still ringing from the slap you gave me when you didn’t tip.   Do you honestly think that telling me “thank you” makes up for a tip?  No, it does not.

Learn your manners.  Leave a good tip AND say thank you.  But, at the very least, leave a good tip… that is a very good “thank you”.    A verbal “thank you” doesn’t mean crap when it’s not accompanied by a tip.

Oh, I’m sorry. Was I interrupting?

Hotel deliveries can be.. well…. interesting sometimes. I happened to be at a hotel, but the person who took the order accidentally got the room number wrong (thanks a lot co-worker!!). So, I went to the wrong room first, then I called my store back and by pure luck, my co-worker thought he remembered the room number.

So, I tentatively go up to this room. It is almost midnight. I am not even sure this is the right room and I am a little worried that I might wake someone up.

*knock knock*

I hear shuffling noises

*knock*

Dude-through the door:  “Give me just a second.”

Me:  “Okay.”

*waiting….

*waiting…

After a few minutes go by (which actually seem like an eternity when you are waiting at someones door), he opens the door.

The lights are off. (oh crap, this IS the wrong door and I just woke him up, right?? right?)

He turns on the lights.

Me:  “Did you order pizza?”

Him: Yeah.

*Whew!!*

Then, I noticed a scantily clad woman on his bed.

I realized then that I was not interrupting any sleeping.

*awkward*

what they probably looked like when i knocked on the door. haha!

P.S.  A word of advice? Next time you order pizza, Please don’t try to get your freak on before I arrive.
Yes, it does help pass the time, but it really is awkward to have to find your pants and wallet in the dark and fumble to the door to pay for your pizza. Especially in a small hotel room where I can see your bed from the doorway.

“You in da ghetto naw, girl!”

2 Black dudes open the door: “Oh hey, you look scared girl. Yeah, you in da ghetto now.”

Me: Nah, I’m just tired. It’s been a long night.

Them: *laughing* Hey, ya’ll I know it hard to be in the ghetto for ya. We cool. We cool.

Me: *basically just rolling my eyes at this point*

After he gives me the money, I hand him the pizza.

Him: I should probably give you a tip, huh? *digs in his pocket* Girrrll, you can have these fine gold coins.

LMAO! did you just act like your dollar coins were valuable GOLD coins? like, I was receiving some valuable pirate treasure or something?

Also, I’ve been to a lot more “ghetto” areas in this city. There have been some areas where I actually have been scared.

Yours was not one of them.

Just because you’re black and you live in an apartment building does NOT mean that you live in the ghetto. It also doesn’t mean that I’m scared.

Just sayin’.

But hey, thanks for your GOLD COINS!

Okay, this is weird.

So, I pulled up to this house… and I see a different delivery company’s car parked in the driveway. Their delivery guy is up at the doorstep. I look at my tag to make sure I’m at the right house.

No one orders from two different delivery places at the same time, right? I started going up to the house, sure that they would tell me I had the wrong address.

I passed by the other delivery dude on the way up there and said an awkward “hi”. I mean, what do you say to a competitor? lol.

I get up to the door and to my surprise.. yes, they did order from two delivery places at the same time. lol! weird! I don’t understand people.

If you let your kids order delivery…

Parents, if you let your kids order delivery, then PLEASE teach them about tipping, and make sure you leave enough money for a tip.

I can’t tell you how many times I have delivered to 8-14yr olds (no kidding.), who either have barely enough to cover the bill, OR they take back all their change and don’t give me a tip. I understand that they are young and they probably just don’t really know. That is why it is important that the parents teach them. Let them know that you do tip delivery drivers and that its very rude not to (unless there has been bad service). After that, teach by example.

On the flip side though, there have been a few times I have been tipped by a child. And I have seen a parent teaching a child a couple times.

Funny story: I went to a house and the parents answered the door, said that their sons had ordered so they were going to pay. So, they called them upstairs. The boys started pooling their money together and got enough to pay the bill and one of them threw a dollar on there for my tip. Then the dad said “Now, what did you give for a tip??” And then he pulled out his own wallet and gave 4 more dollars. That was really nice and it was pretty hilarious as well. It’s always an awkward/hilarious situation when people are talking about what they should tip you when you are standing right there. LOL!

I’m glad this pizza is making you fatter and more disgusting.


Hey, look. I know it can be tough to be morbidly obese and it must be pretty hard to get up from your couch. But it is damn rude of you to punish me for DOING MY JOB!!

First of all, you had your son get up and answer the door and grab the pizza. Then when I asked to see your card and ID, you acted like I had just committed murder. You moaned and groaned and THEN guess what? you had your son get it! no big deal, right? You didn’t even have to move once!

Of course, during all of this I was very nice and polite. Even after you didn’t give me a tip, I still smiled and told you to enjoy your evening.

Being obese does not give you the right to be rude, but it does make it easier for me to see what a miserable life you live. So don’t tip me, be lazy and rude. Whatever. At least I’m not molded to my couch. Have a nice life, sucka!

Do earrings make a difference in tip??

these are hooker hoops. lol!

One of my coworkers made a comment the other day out of the blue. “Hey, do those earrings get you better tips??” I was like “What? What are you talking about? I don’t know.” And, it got me to thinking…. do you think the earrings I wear could influence what people tip me?

I mean, the only reason I was wearing them in the first place, is because I feel like I look like a man wearing the uniform and hat with my hair in a bun. The earrings are the ONLY little bit of individuality I can have.

My coworker said something like, “It’s surprising what little things can affect your tips.” I retorted back, “Hey, I’ll wear big hooker hoops if that will help me get good tips!” I was joking at the time, but now I’m really wondering if wearing hoop earrings (medium sized ones, not huge hooker ones. lol) would help my tips.

The ones I was wearing when he made the comment were just really simple silver dangling earrings. So, I’m not sure if hoops would really make a difference, but it’s interesting all the same.

I think I will try it out and report back.

The Drunk Party Guy

Yeah, you know who you are! No, I will not sleep with you. Stop asking me if I want a drink or a shot. I am DRIVING, you moron! I’m not gonna eff up my job and start partying with you fools.

And please, stop telling me to “be safe”. If you could just stop being a creep, then I would be just fine. thanks.

People like you are the reason why I bought some mace.

You couldn’t put on a pair of pants??

You acted embarrassed, since you were halfway hiding behind the door the whole time… but it was still very easy to tell that you were not wearing pants. just your underwear. the tight kind. with stripes.

WHY would you answer the door like that? There were also 2 other fully clothed people sitting on the couch 15ft away. Either one of them could have answered the door while you ran to put on some pants!!

There is only one explanation. You must have lost a bet. Am I right?